Freud thought that besides the obvious desire to live, there is also a hidden desire to die. He called it the death-instinct, which remains denied and thus hidden in most of the people. The death-instinct is often transferred to others and directed outwards. So the desire to die is transformed into a desire to kill. His theory was refuted since then, but I feel there is some truth in it.
Almost everybody plays with the thought of suicide one time or another. Some people actually get to a point to commit it. They feel immensely frustrated, and they don’t see any other way out. They become hopeless, and they simply give up. They feel that they cannot live with themselves anymore. They have this strange feeling that they want to return home, although few can define what this home really means.
It actually means that you want to go home spiritually, want to go to your source again, want to reconnect yourself with your spirit. You cannot live anymore with your ego, with your fake self. You want to return from your fake home to your real one. The desire to kill yourself is really a desire to kill your ego. Such an existential crisis can mean your first step on your spiritual journey.
So, suicidal thoughts can be positive, but don’t act upon them. Your ego can die even in this life, so don’t throw your life away. Don’t think that you can throw away your ego by throwing away life. The frustrations and the desires will come back in your next life. The only way is by throwing away the ego itself and finding a new quality of life. The ego makes life miserable, but life in itself is beautiful.
Sometimes only hopelessness can lead to hope again. But sometimes, hopelessness can lead directly to enlightenment. Hopelessness means that you cannot accept that you cannot do anything about your situation. You really cannot do anything to make yourself enlightened, because it just happens.
Hope is not really the opposite of hopelessness. Hope means you desire to reach something, and you think you know how to do it. When you are hopeless, you still desire to reach it, but now you don’t have a clue about the how.
To reach enlightenment, you have to give up not only hope, but hopelessness, as well. The real opposite of hope and hopelessness is the lack of resistance. When hope and hopelessness both disappear, you accept your situation. And when enlightenment finally comes, the desire to die and the desire to live also disappear. The fact that you don’t desire to live doesn’t mean that you want to die. It simply means that you don’t get attached to life, like before.
A positive ego can give you a very good feeling about yourself. It is easy to identify with it, and you see it as your biggest gift. It is much easier to throw away a negative ego. When you think you are bad, you are worthless, you see yourself as a burden. When this feeling becomes unbearable, you can suddenly snap out of the illusion of the ego. So I suggest you commit suicide of your ego, and not your body.
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