You cannot bear aloneness, because then you have to face your inner craziness. When you start meditating, instead of feeling more relaxed, you will feel more tense. Tension was always there, but you didn’t realize it before. You want to escape from it by being with others, by sharing your crazy mind with someone.
Have you noticed? Most people don’t really communicate, they simply throw the garbage out. They are not interested in what the other has to say, they just want to find somebody to speak to. They are already speaking in themselves, and if they don’t find a partner, the craziness comes out to the surface, and they start talking to themselves out loud.
So, even when you are alone, you are not truly alone. You turn on the radio, watch tv or read the newspaper to occupy yourself with something. And even when you close your eyes and ears, you are still chattering inside. You are thinking about this and that, your attention is always outside of yourself.
And when it is too much, you want to make yourself unconscious, because you can’t listen to yourself anymore. The craziness gets unbearable sometimes, for example when you get drowned in your problems. Then you turn to alcohol, drugs and sex to forget about yourself for a while.
Your energy is always going outwards, no matter what you do or how you do it. You want to escape from the tension one way or another. So, in the beginning turning your energy inwards will be both hard and strange. It’s not even a real turn, you simply don’t have to let it escape from your center.
They say that only the crazy and the wise are capable of being truly alone. The problem is that you are in-between the two, ordinarily crazy and ordinarily wise. You are not totally crazy, because you notice the craziness of your mind, which is a sign of wisdom. But you are not totally wise either, because you cannot do anything about the craziness other than trying to forget about it.
Crazy people are not conscious of their craziness, so they don’t create a problem out of it. On the other end of the spectrum, wise people are totally conscious of themselves, so craziness doesn’t appear in them at all. Both are in peace, while you are still searching for a peace of mind.
You, in the middle, live in a love-and-hate relationship with yourself. You can live neither with nor without your personality, your mind and your life story. So, when you become more conscious of this crazy thinking process during meditation, you become more tense than normally.
It is not that meditation causes tension, it simply makes you conscious of the tension that is already there. This is natural, so don’t let this stop you, because with time you will get over it. This is a process of purging, and you need to go through it to reach a peaceful state. Stop escaping from yourself, from your own madness, from your own shadows!
Remember this basic rule: in ordinary things you are never alone, in essential things you are always alone. What do I mean by this? When I say ordinary things, I refer to the survival mode, when you are preoccupied with your life. For me, essential things are those that are beyond the question of survival, when you are in spiritual mode, and preoccupied with life itself.
When your attention is in any way connected to survival, your energies always move outwards. It can be as direct as jumping away from a car, or as indirect as thinking about your lover. By now you should already know that all thoughts and actions can be traced back to the basic motive of survival.
So, whenever you are acting from this place, you are never alone in your mind. You have to act, to adapt, to avoid, to attract, to influence, to communicate, to relate, to listen, to cooperate, and so on. You have to take into account other people, outer circumstances and conditions. You cannot survive without the without.
Your body needs a constant supply of air, water and food, your ego needs attention, love and friends, and society needs companies, coworkers and cooperation. If the supply gets blocked, survival becomes impossible. Ordinarily, you cannot exist in a vacuum without ordinary things.
Even when you are completely isolated on an island, you will never be alone inside when you pay attention to survival. You will think about your loved ones in the past, you will imagine a ship saving you in the future, and trying to catch fish in the present. You will still manage to escape from yourself.
In contrast, essential things are related to the spiritual realms of existence. In this dimension, you are always alone, always have been alone, and always will be alone. You are alone in your body, you were alone in the womb, and you will be alone in the coffin. Nobody can enter your mind, nobody can enter your dreams, and nobody can enter your being.
But you are not alone in your aloneness. Everybody is essentially alone, and everybody is running away from it. Meditation in one sense is the capacity to be alone. Not only to be alone, but also to be happy alone, to enjoy the miracle of your own being. And when you can be totally happy alone, the real miracle happens: you won’t be alone anymore.
You will realize that everything and everyone is part of you. It’s a paradox: you are in fact so totally alone that nothing exists outside of you. Aloneness loses its meaning when there is nothing or nobody to relate to. When duality disappears and oneness remains. So, realize that you are essentially alone, and embrace its beauty.
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