What Is Narcissism?

This episode is not meant for the narcissists themselves, but for the people sorrounding them. A narcissist would never watch such a video, because he is incapable of self-reflection, and believes there’s nothing wrong with him anyway. Even if he watched it, he would only use it to accuse others of narcissism, and not to change himself.

Unfortunately, I know this ailment of the soul all too well, as I was raised by a narcissistic father, and I’m pretty sure my younger brother has an even more severe form of narcissistic personality disorder. I was also affected negatively of course, because normally narcissistic parents breed narcissistic children. But with the help of my spiritual Master, and through intensive and honest self-reflection, I cured myself of this disease. Still, my complete healing took at least one year.

The word narcissism comes from the name of Narcissus, a figure of ancient Greek mythology. According to the legend, he fell in love with his own image reflected back from a pool of water. He became so self-absorbed that in the end he turned into a flower: narcissus. When you think of a narcissistic person, you think of someone who loves himself too much, but this couldn’t be further away from truth.

It’s an important disctinction to make that our hero didn’t fall in love with himself directly, but instead only with his own reflection. Just like that, a narcissist loves his false self, the one he parades around in public to get love and affection. But deep down, his real self is in a chaos, full of self-hate, shame and envy. This real self is sensitive and vulnerable, so he wants to hide it from others so it can’t be hurt, and even from himself so that he can’t feel its pain.

Narcissism is basically a self-worth problem. These people have such low levels of self-esteem that they feel the need to overcompensate, otherwise they would meet tremendous emotional pain. The pain of being unwanted, unloved, unworthy, the sense of being a nobody. While normal ego development also protects the person from these fears, in a narcissistic individual these fears are so big that only a huge ego can protect them.

They use the false self as an armor to shield their delicate psyches, but this also disconnects them from other people. In general, they are unable to develop meaningful relationships, because they lack the empathy, the care and sometimes even the love that’s needed. They can only think about themselves and their own needs, because they’re so starved for the appreciation and the affection they didn’t get as a child.

In most cases, narcissism develops in early childhood, and narcissists act like two or three year old children even as adults. If a tree doesn’t get enough water or sunlight, it stops growing. If you don’t receive what’s needed at a certain level of development, you get stuck at that level psychologically. As the ego develops, all children go through a narcissistic phase, when everything is about them. Only later do they realize that other people also exist as individual beings, with their own needs, wants and preferences.

However, if your needs are not met at this age, you’re unable to grow further, and until the end of your life you’ll be preoccupied with trying to fulfill these needs, all in vain. After a certain age, something in you just breaks apart, and your self-worth gets damaged beyond repair. After these critical first years, no matter how much love, attention and care you receive, you’ll never be fulfilled by it.

Even though you’ll spend your life trying to prove to yourself that you deserve love, deep down you’ll be convinced that something is wrong with you. So those who love you must be even worse than you, even more unworthy. So instead of reciprocating their love, you degrade them and answer with explicit or implicit hatred. But at the same time, you also want to keep them in your life, because you feed on their love. I can’t really imagine a more twisted and dysfunctional relationship dynamic than this one.

As psychologists describe, a narcissist sees everybody else as an extension of himself. They don’t know any boundaries, they don’t acknowledge the free will of the other person. They consider their relatives and friends minions supposed to do their bidding, according to their whims and wishes. Everything should go according to their plans, and everybody should follow along.

There’s only one correct way of doing things, and of course it’s their way. If anybody dares to disagree, he will be criticized, looked down or considered to be a difficult person. A narcissist sees life as an elaborate game of chess, where he has to win at all price. Therefore, he employs any means necessary, including cheating, manipulation, aggression, emotional blackmailing, threatening, deception and sometimes even physical abuse.

He learnt all these tricks as a child, because he couldn’t have his needs met in a normal manner. A narcissist can become a successful leader thanks to these traits, and he is very often super ambitious. However, these twisted modes of functioning are highly destructive in the long run, and many people quickly see right through them. It’s not a surprise that narcissists often lose everybody around them after a while, but they dislike everybody anyway.

You’re either with them or against them, there’s no middle ground. If you’re with them, they suck the life out of you, use you for their childish games, and control your every move and thought. If you’re no use to them, if you disagree with them, if you rebel against them, they become outraged. They criticize, blame or coerce you until you “get to your senses again”, and realize that they were right all the time. If they don’t succeed, then they think that something must be wrong with you, because you don’t see the world exactly as they do.

They are also control freaks who constantly want to tell everybody what to do and how to think. They also want to control what you think of them, because they can’t stand being seen in a bad light. If they realize that somebody doesn’t like them, they just feel misunderstood, but it’s never their fault. They can’t take the blame for anything, because then they would have to admit that maybe something is wrong with them.

Superficially, they feel superior to everybody else, but this is just a fancy mask covering their ugly scars. Behind the mask, there hides a pathetic, scared and confused child wounded by his own parents. While we can feel sorry for them and even love them, we shouldn’t expect from them to love us back, because they’re simply incapable of this. They have too many problems themselves to be bothered by others.

If you suspect that anybody around you – a spouse, a child, a friend, a parent – could be narcissistic, I urge you to dig deeper in this area. This was just a short introduction into this complex issue, and by no means a comprehensive description. Don’t call them out for their narcissism, don’t try to argue with them, and especially don’t try to help them, because you can’t.

Most psychologists agree that these people are beyond help, because they don’t want to be helped, they don’t consider it a problem, and they don’t want to change. The most important is your own mental health, so you shouldn’t let them abuse you any more. The general consensus is that the only solution is to severe all contacts with the narcissist. Although it may seem harsh, if the individual is a true narcissist, he doesn’t care about you anyway. Do this for yourself if you really love yourself, and not just in a narcissistic way!

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Memento Mori!