How to Comfort The Dying

Very often when we have a dying relative, spouse or friend, we are not really sure what to do or say. We may feel awkward, embarrassed or confused, and while we want to help the other in some way, we don’t want to make the situation any worse. In this episode, I’ll share with you some general guidelines and tips to offer comfort to the dying.

First of all, note that I said comfort, and not consolation, false hope or outright lies. Normally, people live in denial about their mortality, so they need to be confronted with death. That’s actually my main mission as a spiritual teacher: to make as many people as possible encounter the inevitable. But the dying have already confronted death, they are already in a great shock, and now they need just the opposite: some comfort.

However, most people who want to provide comfort carry things too far, and start to treat the dying person like a little child. The dying is wounded and vulnerable, that’s true. But if you try to console him, it’s like giving a sweet lollipop to the child who fell on the ground and is crying. You try to divert his mind from the pain, when instead, you should be preoccupied with the wound itself, otherwise healing is impossible.

So don’t say things like: “You’ll be better soon”, “This is just temporary”, “Try not to think about it”, “I know how you feel”, “It will go away”, or “Everything has a reason”, because you simply cannot know. Even if the other person is religious, refrain from the notions of God or Jesus. Also, keep your spiritual beliefs to yourself, like “The soul is immortal”, or “You will be reincarnated”, because if these stay superficial beliefs and don’t become direct experiences, they are just empty words.

Second, don’t lie about the terminal nature of the disease. On the one hand, the doctor has an ethical responsibility to inform the patient without being vague or intentionally misleading. On the other hand, the patient has the right to know, and most of the time wants to know, because it’s his life after all. Although the news can be shocking, by being clear about his condition, he can make all the necessary steps towards practical and emotional closure, and decide what he wants to do with the rest of his life.

Third, be a compassionate companion to the dying. Nobody wants to be left alone on the deathbed, we all want to feel loved and needed, we want to express ourselves, and we want to share our last moments with our loved ones. Offer help in the practical things, and offer your shoulder to cry on, or to serve as stable ground to rely on. Forget all your judgments and expectations, because you may easily estrange the one you want to bring closer. It’s not about you, it’s about the other.

Fourth, help the dying face death without fear and with dignity. You have to prepare yourself for this, because how could you alleviate a fear that you also have yourself? I have several videos about the topic of death, you just have to search for them. For your special case, the one that I most recommend is titled “Understanding the fear of death”. If you’re a spiritual person, this step will not be as hard as for others, but I’m also not stating that it will be the easiest thing in the world.

As most people are psychologically attached to their bodies, the most helpful thing you can do is to help the other understand that he is not his body. More than just understand, he has to experience this to bring about a true relief. For this, you can play him my guided meditation titled “Beyond Body”.

The body is one thing, but the ego has an even bigger grip on the person, as it clutches onto his soul with its ugly claws. Therefore, you can continue the first guided meditation session with another one, this time playing the track titled “Let Go of Ego”.

The body and the mind are already falling away, and if you can help this process consciously, instead of insisting to just hold on, when your loved one clearly wants to already let go, he’ll be tremendously grateful to you for getting him rid of his fears. Showing that there’s nothing to be afraid of is the biggest comfort you can provide to a dying person.

If you want to know more about death from a spiritual but down to earth perspective, you should read my book: The Power of Death. Click on the link below, and get it now! I’m deadly serious.

Memento Mori!