Do you harbor dark fantasies about harming or even killing other people? Have you ever thought about torturing animals? Can you imagine yourself preying on, kidnapping, raping, humiliating and then taking the lives of your innocent victims? Before you do any of the above, please watch this episode, perhaps the first ever self-help video for wannabe serial killers, about how not to become one.
Before I go into the specific advice, I have to tell you a story from my dark past: that time when I dabbled with the idea of becoming a serial killer myself. Don’t worry, I haven’t harmed anyone, and I’m way beyond these disturbing fantasies. But I know all too well what may go on in an actual serial killer’s mind, and I believe I can offer here an insider’s perspective.
I haven’t shared this story with anybody ever, because obviously I’m not proud of it. The reason I’m doing it now, is because perhaps I can save a few lost souls from going down this dark path. That’s one of the perks of anonymity: I can be 100% honest with you.
My story started with something most teenagers go through: getting accepted to university and moving out from home to a new city. I moved from a relatively small place to the bustling capital, and I didn’t quite treat this challenge well, to say the least. I left behind my parents, most of my friends, and all the familiar things I got used to in my previous life.
I even stopped my martial arts training, which filled a large part of my life with a sense of meaning and purpose. And there I was, a scared and confused teenager, alone in my apartment, on the brink of a new life I couldn’t figure out how to start. Like many would-be murderers, I was also suffering from social isolation.
I knew I had to reinvent myself, because I was not sure anymore who I was and what I wanted to do with my life. Looking back, I was going through a rough period that psychologists refer to as an adolescent crisis. I was desperately searching for a new identity I could adopt, for new values, modes of behaviour and fitting role models.
Unfortunately, I found my new mentors in the person of two fictional serial killers: one was Hannibal Lecter, while the other was the protagonist from the movie American Psycho. Besides these fictional characters, I also drew inspiration from a thick book, collecting the stories of the most well-known serial killers in history.
One important factor in my descent to hell was a general sexual frustration. Although I was over 18 at the time, I had yet to meet my first girlfriend. I desperately craved for sex, and my built-up frustration generated feelings of tenseness and agressive thoughts. For some, the lack of sex may lead to perversion, rape and the desire for control and domination.
One other thing I suffered from in this roughly 6 month period was a lack of stimuli. The saying that an idle mind is the devil’s playground was definitely true in this case. As I spent so much time alone without any meaningful activity, any kind of impulse seemed better than nothing. My fantasies, which turned increasingly more twisted and sadistic, gave me a thrill in my boring life.
Fortunately, I didn’t commit any crime, because I was too afraid of losing my freedom. But my aggression went so much out of hand, that I had to find some outlet. That’s when I turned this aggression against myself, and literally cut my hand with a knife. That’s another commonality among many serial killers: eventually they start harming themselves, and may even commit suicide.
But in my case, this physical pain was which ultimately saved me. At that moment, I became conscious of my own stupidity, I realized I went too far, and I suddenly awakened from the nightmare of my life. I immediately dropped the knife, and in that moment of clarity I promised to myself that I would never hurt myself again or anybody else.
What truly helped me start a new life was a combination of things that could prove to be equally helpful for you too. First, I started going out more, I met some girls, and made new friends. I made a conscious effort to be open and friendly with people. Meanwhile, I also got to know the city better and even started to like it after a while.
Second, I channeled my energy into a creative and meaningful activity. I started writing rap lyrics, recorded a solo album and even joined a band. Like I mentioned in one of my songs, writing became a therapy that helped me heal my wounded soul. With the help of a pen and a paper, I managed to exorcise all my demons, to chase away all my dark fantasies, to squeeze out all the negativity.
So, if I wanted to tell you in a nutshell how not to become a serial killer, I would give you the following advice. One: get a girlfriend. Two: be more social. Three: Find a meaningful goal or activity. Four: Try art therapy. And five: Turn to a professional before you do anything stupid.
If you want to know more about death from a spiritual but down to earth perspective, you should read my book: The Power of Death. Click on the link below, and get it now! I’m deadly serious.