What is grief, and how to deal with the loss of a loved one? Although it’s possible to feel grief after all kinds of losses: like the loss of a relationship, the loss of a job, or the loss of a home, in this episode, I’d like to focus on the most excruciating grief you can feel after the death of someone close to you.
The fact that you can feel intense sorrow for the loss of almost anything close to you says a lot about the nature of grief. Grieving is always caused by losing something that you’ve grown attached to. The basic cause of grief is attachment, and losing the object of attachment is only secondary. But if you think about it, you will lose everything and everybody around you with time, so by getting attached to them, you’re only setting yourself up for failure.
Furthermore, the emotion of grief can sometimes be useful for survival, it also has an evolutionary benefit: it motivates you to find the person or the thing you lost. Somebody or something was there that was somehow beneficial physically or psychologically. A parent who took care of you, a child who carried your genes, or something as simple as a baby blanket that provided emotional comfort.
But then, something happens, and they’re not there any more for you. The intense feeling of missing them fuels your search, and you start looking for them as if your life depended on it. Many times the search turns out to be successful, and you can rest again in peace. However, when you know that the person you lost is already resting in peace buried in the ground, searching for them is certainly futile.
It’s not that they’re lost somewhere out in the world, you know exactly where they are. They’re not lost, they’re dead, so feeling grief won’t help you find them. When you can become conscious of this instinctual process, the motivation for grief may also go away. I’d also like to discourage you from searching for your loved ones in the afterlife. Like I explained in my other video titled “Can we communicate with the dead?”, you won’t find them there either.
I mentioned that most of the time, attachment is the underlying cause of grief, and not death. Thousands of people die every day, yet you don’t even notice it, and even those deaths you get to know about, you don’t feel anything. Only when somebody emotionally close to you dies, do you feel immense sadness and pain.
To decide whether this is also the case for you, I propose a very simple question: Do you feel sorry for yourself or the other? Realize that it’s futile to feel sorry for the other, as he or she doesn’t feel any kind of pain or suffering. You’re the one in pain and suffering, but would your loved one really want you to feel these emotions?
Most probably not, but you still feel as if it was your duty to feel sorrow. That’s because you think that if you don’t grieve, you didn’t truly love the other either. However, I’m saying just the opposite: if you feel grief, it’s a sign that you didn’t truly love the other. You may have loved what the other could give you, but not the person itself.
Why am I saying such a radical thing? Well, just like attachment is not equal to true love, grief is also very much different from love. Grief is the emotion you feel when the physical connection is suddenly cut, but the psychological attachment is still there. If you truly love the person, accept him not only in life, but in death, too. To understand what true love is, please watch my episode titled “What is unconditional love?”.
Stop focusing on the gaping hole this person may have left in your life, stop feeling sorry for yourself, and stop blaming the other. Understand that grief is about you, and not the other. True love, in contrast, is not about you, it’s about the other. You can keep on loving your lost ones without grieving them; in fact, that’s the only possible way.
Don’t ask why the loved one died, because when they were born, you also didn’t ask why. Just like them, you simply received this life as a gift, so don’t feel entitled to it. Accept death just like you accepted life, because death is also a part of life, it comes as a whole package. Instead of seeing the death of a loved one as a tragedy, notice what a blessing it was that he or she could experience the miracle of life in the first place.
Instead of condemning life for taking him or her away, be grateful for the amazing moments you shared with each other. Instead of seeing death as an enemy to life, see it as a friend that makes life meaningful, valuable and worth to live. Only death can make you truly appreciate life.
And last but not least: don’t use grief to deny death. Don’t come up with explanations, don’t cling to your ideologies, and don’t try to console yourself just to feel better. Although these lies are beautiful, they only keep you away from the mystery of death.
Just think about it: if the other person really got into heaven or into a new life, why do you cry for them? Because at the core of your heart, you don’t believe these stories either. These white lies only serve to deny death, to avoid it even when it seems unavoidable. Don’t try to whitewash death, because it’s dark and mysterious, and it’s good that it is so.
Instead, be with the sadness, face the pain, and try to feel death in your bones without any thoughts, explanations or ideologies. Don’t think: this shouldn’t have happened, because everything happens for a reason. It’s not because of death itself that you are in pain, your resistance towards death creates the suffering.
You’re trying to escape from death all your life, but there’s no escape from death. You may be in shock, you may try to deny the fact, you may feel anxious, helpless, insecure, sad, guilty or even angry. These are all just futile reactions to something you cannot change. But if you can fully accept the reality of death, your grief will evaporate on its own.
If you want to know more about death from a spiritual but down to earth perspective, you should read my book: The Power of Death. Click on the link below, and get it now! I’m deadly serious.
Memento Mori!
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